What Was Your Hardest Year And Why? Pt III

Name: Dr. Monet Roberts

Major: PhD in Biomedical Engineering from Cornell University

IG: @joiedev1vre

Many people think that the first year of graduate school is the hardest.  Quite frankly, the first time at doing anything prompts the adage: “Things get easier with time.”  As the bright-eyed first year entering into graduate school, I expected for things to be quite difficult to adjust to, especially since I am an extremely organized person who enjoys structure and used to be borderline neurotic when things are not going as planned (before graduate school totally changed my perspective to “expect the unexpected”).  There were some ups-and-downs, but my optimism spurred me to embrace the steep learning curve of being a Ph.D. student, choosing a lab, and all the other things that come with the territory.  It wasn’t until the beginning of my third year in my lab when things took a turn that still impacts me to this day.

                Right before the start of the fall semester, my advisor proposed a co-first author collaborative project that included me and two of my other lab mates who happened to be a year ahead of me.  I was super excited that I was able to work more closely with two of the students that I most admired in the lab as well as gain more exposure to new skill sets that would advance my individual thesis work.  It seemed to impose a bit of a learning curve for me because I had to venture into unexplored territory with methods and concepts that were beyond the basics behind my own project, but it was still riveting that I would be a significant contributor.  During the start of the collaborative work, I noticed that there was some underlying passive aggression that was directed towards me from my lab mates.  I wasn’t sure where it was coming from, especially since I was doing my work and often met with my advisor, particularly to seek feedback, which was met with “You’re doing what you need to do.” 

Then, one day, I received a really rude email (with my advisor copied on it) from one of my lab mates regarding something that really was not a serious matter (even my advisor did not know what was going on).  I am always a direct person, so I decided to go talk to my labmate because I felt that there was probably some underlying personal issue that they may have been dealing with and it manifested in their passive aggression towards me.  I approached the person and let them know that we are a team and if they needed to vent, I was there for them to see if there is any way that I could help.  Then, it happened.  My preconceptions of the people I worked closely with and my advisor completely changed after a brief exchange where my lab mate unloaded that they were frustrated at (what he perceived) a lack of productivity, compared how much more work that was being done by them versus me, as well as insinuating that my advisor shared the same sentiments.  I was completely blindsided, especially since I was in frequent correspondence with my advisor about my progress as well as shared my results with him, which I thought was sufficient and was not told otherwise.  I mustered up the words to acknowledge the honesty of the person and advocate their misunderstandings and assumptions as well as there was no personal issue following the exchange.  I calmly walked out and went straight to the bathroom and cried, not because my feelings were hurt, but because I was totally unaware on all fronts that there was so much frustration towards me, and I was indeed productive.  Was I not enough?  Were my efforts still not considered to be good contributions?  I was told that I was doing fine, but have I been just told that?  There was a lot of unpacking that was done, including a discussion with my advisor as well as other avenues for me to figure out what I needed to do.  It was a moment where I was unprepared, largely because no one had expressed lab dynamics as a concept prior to this situation.  I had previously come from a family-unit type of lab in my undergraduate research experience, so I assumed most labs were like that.  I had known that there had to be a small percentage of labs where the environment was toxic because people often told me that I should choose a lab with a “good environment.”  Also, I thought that as mature adults, dynamics would not be a serious issue because there was so much infrastructure put in place for us to have as little of conflict as possible in the lab and the science should dominate all other petty issues because it was indeed why we were in the lab in the first place.  Yet, here I was, experiencing a toxic situation and unfortunately, that was just the beginning.  There were countless days where I would wake up with my heart racing, dreading going into the lab, and be fearful of making mistakes like it was God himself.  During these times, there were moments where experiments that I would be assigned to do would be given to someone else.  Exchanges with a labmate who was later added to the collaborative team would end in tears because I learned about what horrible things were being said about me from the other teammates as well as my advisor on how I do experiments as well as other lab-related topics.   I was rumored to be lazy, absolve responsibility, unproductive among other things, which was completely untrue.  I had to take anxiety medication and I would call my family members every day crying because of fear that I would not only be pushed off of the collaborative project but that it would impact me for my upcoming candidacy exam and future in the lab.  It was an extremely rough road, but I am blessed that I had my friends, family, church community, and therapist to help me.  I often prayed throughout the day, especially in the lab, and amid other revelations later on, I was in a place where I was beyond any of the negativity.  I deserved to be here because of my hard work and merit.  God had a plan for me and this storm was not going to be bigger than the rainbow that I knew was on the other side.  He did not bring me here to forsake me.  Moreover, I vowed to change the environment in my lab so that another student, especially a student of color, would never have to go through it again.  It was tough, but I continued to push through my own self-doubts and imposter syndrome to get through all of the experiments and learning curves for the project that I was assigned as well as de-toxify the environment simultaneously.  I often would over-extend grace to others to the extent that it was contagious to others.  I diffused several conflicts that arose among several lab mates and re-directed the focus to not letting anything get in the way of the science.  If I couldn’t invoke empathy to be a good human, then emphasizing the reason we are really present in the space invoked reflection on the pettiness of the situation.  I no longer engaged in negative conversations and remained diplomatic and extended myself to help those who once gossiped about me.  I wasn’t a welcome mat, but I strived to model someone who was above the pettiness and wanted what was best for the lab.  It was a demeanor that commanded respect from everyone without any words being said.  It led to the toxic nature of the lab to dissipate because I was not going to stand for it and I was no longer afraid of anyone in the lab nor any failures that may arise.  I had a new level of confidence, especially after I successfully passed my candidacy exam.  At that point, I fully knew that the Ph.D. process is full of failures and that is how we grow.  Asking questions is how we learn.  If we knew everything, there would be no reason to get a Ph.D.  The color of my skin, background, and any other characteristic that deems me marginalized has historically been alluded as a negative predictor in my capabilities and success.  Now, I fully know, it is what drives me to be above those that marginalize me.  I am a legacy of ancestors who survived colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow among other injustices and the resilience flows through me like the blood in my veins.  That level of unmatched resilience is one that is powerful and not to be taken lightly.  I still reflect on those experiences to this day, especially following the recent defense of my dissertation work and getting to the finish line.  They taught me something so valuable about who I am and what kind of advisor and institutional advocate that I want to be for students who have experienced similar occurrences as well as future students, so they never have to go through what I went through.  I sincerely think it was a part of God’s plan for me to be the change that I want to see in the academy.