What Was Your Biggest Fear In Entering Graduate School? Pt II

Name: Melissa Murphy

English Literature/ Professional Writing

IG: @normellymel

I always knew I was smart, but constantly questioned if I was smart enough for grad school. Mainly because I had no real clue what I wanted to pursue. After leaving high school, I just knew that I'd be going to university next. It was always something that was expected of me and eventually became an extension of how I viewed myself. Despite see-sawing between possible career options, becoming a teacher (like my mother) felt like the safest choice. But, once I settled into that idea, the university began to feel more and more like a chore. I knew I'd never be happy in the career I was headed towards and my school offered very little support to change my mind. The more I fell out of love with this career option, the worse I began to perform academically. This lead to a 5-year break to "find myself", in the hopes that it would lead to a major change—in life and degree. It took a grammar exam at a job interview to reignite my love for English. When I returned, however, I still felt like the program lacked "me" in it. Once again, I was going through the motions of attaining an English degree but had no idea how this could result in something I'd one day grow to love. Something that didn't feel like I was appropriating someone else's image of what an English degree/career should be. Let’s face it, English Literature is overwhelmingly white. From the teachers, to the syllabi, to the narratives they force us to adopt (listen, studying Sula was a literal battle of, "please let us discuss to the importance of Black female dynamics!”). I knew that in order for me to love what I did or studied, it had to reflect me or, more so, who I hoped to be. I eventually found an advisor who saw my vision and would help me choose the "right" classes. Once I did, I saw my once rock bottom GPA start to rise. The more I loved what I was studying, the better I performed, obviously. Well, before long, they forced his retirement and it was just me, once again. I tried my best to continue with what he had taught me and soon I was out the door, degreed up! But, the feelings of invisibility and inadequacy never left. Even when it was suggested that I start my master’s right away, I feared what that would look like for me. Would I once again be forced to struggle through bad grades, while I forced myself to push through a subject matter I didn't like? It had done such damage to my confidence in undergrad that the stress of it has always seemed to be too much. Maybe now that I have a clearer idea of what I love, I can find a safe and inviting space to pursue it.